You Saw Mommy Doing WHAT With Santa? — Mickey Z.

Just say no. (Nancy Reagan and Mr. T — credit unknown)

Mickey Z. — World News Trust

December 20, 2020

The shopping/business district in Astoria is primarily centered on Steinway Street. Each December, the local merchants association adorns this long stretch of stores with holiday decorations strung from the street lights. In addition, there are speakers placed along the way from which a non-stop playlist of classic Christmas carols blares. Or, I should say, "blared." This year, there are no decorations, speakers, or holiday music. They might be casualties of Covid or #woke culture. Either way, I still have a related story from last holiday season when, while strolling on Steinway one afternoon, I decided to focus on the lyrics of one particular classic: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” 

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus 

Underneath the mistletoe last night

Sure, it’s possible that “Mommy” is a single woman but the early implication in the opening verse of this song is that she clearly is not. Three things, however, are certain: 

1. We’ve strayed a long way from the origin story of Saint Nicholas (a.k.a. Sinter Klass), a man known for his generous propensity to give away whatever he owned to those in need
2. Our modern, commercial version Santa is definitely married
3. The song’s “Mommy” doesn’t seem overly concerned about her kids catching her as she gets busy right in the middle of the living room

She didn’t see me creep down the stairs to have a peep 

She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep

Why would she assume such a thing on Christmas Eve? Kids are notoriously trying to stay awake in the hope of catching a glimpse of this elusive and mysterious cryptid named “Santa Claus.” Every Mommy knows that. 

Some might assume the kid is dreaming. In psychology, there’ is something called the Santa Complex in which young children idealize Father Christmas as if he were their actual father. Others might say the song’s youthful narrator is merely witnessing Mommy kissing Daddy while Daddy wears a Santa suit. But, since the kids are assumed “fast asleep,” why would Daddy even bother dressing up? Roleplay, perhaps? The plot thickens.

Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus 

Underneath his beard so snowy white

Kinky. So, let’s recap: We’ve got potential adultery and/or roleplay along with some very disturbing exhibitionism and now a tickling fetish? What’s next? Does jolly old Saint Nick have a Tinder profile featuring a twist on the phrase “gather 'round the yule log”?

Scarlett Johansson with a Craigslist Santa Claus on Saturday Night Live (Photo: NBC/NBCU Photo Bank)

What a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen 

Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

Hold on. Can we please slow down? How old is this kid and why in the world would they want Mommy to get busted in the middle of hooking up? "What a laugh it would have been"? Perhaps the kid thinks Mommy has had it coming for a long time. Or maybe they have issues with Daddy and would genuinely get a chuckle out of seeing him walk in to find his wife in the living room, canoodling with a rotund older man in a tight red jumpsuit. 

***

Anyway, at that point of my scandalous Steinway Street speculation, the sound of a car horn jolted me back into the moment. I glanced about to see if anyone else might’ve been ruminating upon the idea of Santa getting sleighed on Christmas Eve but, alas, they were keeping their feelings masked (insert rimshot here). So, I walked home to write all of this down to eventually share with you. You’re welcome. 

Mickey Z. can be found here. He is also the founder of Helping Homeless Women - NYC, offering direct relief to women on the streets of New York City. To help him grow this project, CLICK HERE and make a donation right now. And please spread the word!