Mickey Z. -- World News Trust
July 18, 2016
My parents were married on May 4, 1957. They were still married on May 4, 2007. According to the beguiling promises of our pervasive pop culture, this is big news for all involved. As those wonderful folks at Hallmark explain: “Half a century of marriage calls for a real celebration.”
On May 4, 2007, my mother was in MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston to receive her second round of experimental treatment due to the fact that ovarian cancer had spread to her liver and previous modalities had failed to contain it. Mom opted for this approach, she told me, because Dad was declining mentally and she wanted to do whatever she could to extend her life so she could care for him. In a sad irony, my mother dealing with terminal cancer while my father was struggling with cognitive decline was a perfect storm of marital strife. I visited her as often as one week out of each month in 2007 but witnessing my parents in a near-perpetual state of mutual contempt was heart wrenching.
1. Hallmark sez: “Several months in advance, set a date. If important guests have unavoidable conflicts on or close to the actual anniversary, the couple may be willing to move the festivities to a different week or month if it allows everyone to be there. On the other hand, family members should make every effort to rearrange schedules for an occasion like this.”
On May 4, 2007, my father was alone in their apartment in The Woodlands, Texas -- some 30 or so miles from MD Anderson. He could no longer handle that far of a drive and my older sister (who lives nearby) wasn’t able to bring him to the hospital on their 50th anniversary. She would do so the following day.
2. Hallmark sez: If your shindig isn’t at a restaurant, you can either hire a caterer or enjoy home cooking. If you choose the latter, pick a theme and assign dishes so everything goes great together. Themed menu ideas include a casual barbecue, laid-back brunch, south-of-the border fiesta or a swanky cocktail hour. For many, the celebration won’t feel complete without a specially decorated cake. If you order one from a bakery, arrange to pick it up early in the day. That way, if something isn’t right with your order, there’s time to get it corrected.
On May 4, 2007, I spoke to each of my parents via telephone from NYC. Those conversations, as you might imagine, conveyed two very distinct perceptions of their “gold” anniversary. Dad was disoriented and steeped in denial. When I asked how he was doing, he bellowed: “I wanna see my wife on our anniversary!” Mom, on the other hand, was exhausted. And miserable. And second-guessing her own decision to try experimental therapy. And dying. Yet relieved to be alone, away from everyone
3. Hallmark sez: The 50th is the “gold” anniversary. While yellow gold jewelry is the most traditional gift, some people choose white gold -- or even rose gold, which is more unique. You can go easy on the environment by giving jewelry made from recycled gold. And you can go easy on your wallet by treating gold as the theme for your gift rather than as the material from which it has to be made -- present your gift in gold wrapping paper or a gold gift bag, and adorn it with gold ribbon.
Mom lived another eight months. Dad made it to October 2012. On May 4, 2008, I didn’t have to remind him of the date. He remembered it and made a trip to light a candle at his church. In 2009, I gently reminded him. By the following year. I didn’t even bring it up when we spoke on the phone. Indeed, the significance of that date rapidly waned after its half-century mark passed, sans “shindig.”
4. Hallmark sez: Relax and enjoy the party. Remember, no matter how carefully you plan an event, not everything will go exactly as expected, and that’s fine. That’s how marriage is, too -- ask the couple if you don’t believe us! Once the party’s started, don’t sweat every little thing.
Hallmark, of course, is full of shit. So are all forms of pop culture. They are cleverly and effectively designed to make us feel inadequate and thus, turn us into consumers. We are programmed to spend (literally) our lives chasing and competing -- today more so than ever. Thanks to social media, we’re shamed in real time as everyone else does their best to give the appearance of having this life thing figured out.
Do some couples make it to their 50th anniversary, happy and healthy, celebrating amongst swarms of loved ones? Of course, but they are the exceptions. While the overall life expectancy in the United States is rising, so is the average age of first marriage. The math is getting tricker by the day but even if you marry young and live longer than expected, well, there’s this: The lifelong probability of a marriage ending in divorce ranges somewhere between 40 and 50 percent.
5. Hallmark sez: Just enjoy the opportunity to be together with the people you love.
Pro tip: You don’t have to wait for a “special occasion” to do this ^.
Mickey Z. is currently writing his fourteenth book, How to Lose Friends & Influence Nobody: My Life as an “Activist.” In the meantime, he can be found here.
5 ways to (not) plan a 50th anniversary party! by 5 ways to (not) plan a 50th anniversary party! | Mickey Z. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
Based on a work at https://worldnewstrust.com/5-ways-to-not-plan-a-50th-anniversary-party-mickey-z.